The kings and queens of old
by KatherineDiBello
Summary: Edmund has often thought that Lucy's laugh is the light of a burning torch so he doesn't forget the way home.
1. They don t remember

Edmund doesn't know when it started, and he's sure Lucy doesn't either. As they grow, memories of their old lives become blurred dreams, half-truths, lost in the foam of a distant sea. But they always remember that they are siblings. And that they love each other.

"Why was it so difficult at first?" Edmund asks Peter. They are riding through the woods and the laughter of Lucy and Susan is heard in the distance, although close enough to remind them that they have been left behind, again. Edmund has often thought that Lucy's laugh is the light of a burning torch so he doesn't forget the way home. Peter looks at him (he doesn't need to ask what he means) and for a second he stops being the High King and is only Peter Pevensie again, but the glimpse is lost in the autumn foliage and he seems confused.

"I can't remember it anymore, Ed."

When Lucy reaches him in the bedroom later, Edmund runs his fingers through her hair, but doubt remains in his heart. He can't remember why he once felt guilty, why he once believed that it was wrong. When Lucy's lips touch his (and she tastes like sweet apples, and Narnia), he stops wondering.

"Ed, do you remember mom?" She has been in his arms all night, now the light of dawn shines her skin and Edmund cannot concentrate for a second. He wished she hadn't asked.

"I don't remember her, Luce. I´m afraid that she has been forgotten by my heart", and in truth their mother now seems hardly a distant name, someone from another world, from another life.

"Do you think she would be proud of us?" The innocence of her voice, and her longing, breaks his heart. There is something in Edmund's soul that tells him that their mother would not be proud of them, and in a flash of memory he fills with fear because he cannot allow her to know, he cannot allow her to remember that her love is forbidden in that distant world from which they come. Instead of telling her about his concerns, he only kisses her face until Lucy laughs happily.

Soon, Lucy stops asking, and Edmund is allowed to stop fearing.

The afternoon they find the lantern, Edmund wants to stop her, tell her that he can't protect her in that other world to which she runs so happily, but she has already crossed the wardrobe and he knows (he doesn't even doubt it, not even for a moment) that he will follow her.

When Lucy cries her loss that same night, he doesn't hesitate to hug her until she falls asleep.


	2. Wild

Lucy had always been wild. Edmund would break the face of anyone who said it, but that did not imply that he himself did not know, like that time when he heard a couple of nymphs complain a little about how agitated the Valiant Queen always looked, and Edmund had to remind himself that he was a king, and that he could not and should not walk around in defiance of a pair of nymphs. However, he asked Mr. Tumnus to defend his queen's honor and he, delighted, helped him. The nymphs had not returned to nearby forests in a long time, and although Edmund felt a little embarrassed, he told himself that any sibling would have done that.

Lucy was wild, and entered the dining room in the morning with a basket full of freshly harvested apples for breakfast. Edmund suppressed laughter when he saw Susan's disenchanted face, who felt that the young queen had to handle herself with more property, but that who was still too gentle to say it every day. And as Peter would always support Susan, Edmund was in charge of going to her sister, taking a couple of twigs from her hair, and whispering a 'thank you, Lu' to which she would always smile, and her smiles were the best part of the morning.

Lucy was wild in the afternoon, when she saddled her horse and rode (sometimes next to her brothers, sometimes alone, and sometimes only with Edmund) and then her hair flew behind her, and the sound of her laughter mixed in the air and the forest was filled with her and the golden sun.

Lucy was wild at night, when a ball was held in Cair Paravel and she looked like a whirlwind dancing, and always ended with the hairstyle undone and ran into Edmund's arms (because Peter would be very busy protecting Susan, and Susan would be very busy dancing with every man in the room, but Edmund would always be willing to hug Lucy and take her out for fresh air).

And when she looked at him, Edmund felt that impulse in his heart, and wondered how wild Lucy's kisses would be, and then he was ashamed because (for Aslan) she was his sister.

Lucy was wild, and sometimes Edmund feared she would make him wild too, so that he would be forced to kiss her until the ages passed, and until the world was reborn. Luckily, once she pushed him against the wall and crushed his lips with hers, Edmund didn't had to fear more.


	3. Lucy s memories

Lucy always knew when she fell in love with Edmund, and when, back in England, her memories became scenes of unknown lives, this was the only one that remained intact; if she closed her eyes she could still feel Edmund's fingers crawling lazily on her back, and then the hug and their laugh.

It was when he was back just a moment after being forgiven by Aslan, and Lucy saw him and had that unspeakable pounding in her chest, so that she could not contain herself and shouted his name. She did not understand why Peter stopped her until a long time later, when age and time made her understand the shame he had felt, and the love and especially why at first Edmund had believed that he was not worthy of being forgiven.

And then he was in front of her, and Lucy only felt that her heart was breaking when she saw his face, and in a second she was against his chest and he dragged her fingers lazily on her back and she thought she had imagined it until Edmund sank his face over her hair, between her hair, as if he wanted to breathe all the goodness of the world.

At that time Lucy and Edmund were too small to understand what they felt, Susan had once told her, in another life, but for everyone it was tangible that something had changed, and it was something they did not dare to name because giving it name would have been too terrible and unbearable.

The first night in England after the Golden Age, Lucy dreamed her first kiss. Edmund was eighteen and she was sixteen, and he was returning from a long stay in a neighboring kingdom and when he saw her among the ladies waiting for the return of the High King and the Just King, the first thing he did when dismantling Philip was to go to her and say: "I missed Narnia a lot" (because to him, Narnia was home, and Lucy was Narnia), and then he took her and kissed her, and for Lucy the real things became more real, and the stories and the songs came alive and it was as if everything acquired a new meaning.

When they returned to Narnia, Lucy remembered things that had been forgotten by her heart, even against her will. She remembered Su's scandalized look just after the kiss, and the way Lucy had been able to read the relief behind her royal mask, and remembered the way Peter had blinked and then looked at the Gentile Queen (and there was so much desire and yearn in his eyes that Lucy thought she was interrupting something intimate).

She also remembered suspecting being pregnant just before finding the closet again, and how she hadn't even had the chance to tell Edmund that she was expecting a child of his because she had just a few weeks and she didn't wanted to excite him about it.

The third time they returned to Narnia, Lucy was old enough to make love with Edmund again. Many of Lucy's memories were vivid and she loved and thanked them while she had to grow up again, but being with him in something beyond memories was her favorite thing in the world.


	4. part 1 of 2

Of all the strange things Lucy had ever thought, this was the one that embarrassed her most. It wasn't that Lucy believed that feeling envious of someone's beauty and way of being was a cause for dishonor (in any case, it was a sign that she was sixteen, and that she was beginning to become aware of her own beauty and of the beauty of the women around her); what made her feel ashamed, in any case, was that she was envious of her own sister, and that her envy was motivated by her desire for her brother, Edmund.

Her heart cringed at the thought. Those feelings had been eating her from the inside, like a plague that devastates everything, and threatened to go outside and expose her. It was when she felt that the situation was unsustainable (when the pain in her ribs oppressed her so much that it prevented her from breathing, and then she saw him and, oh, she longed to kiss his lips), that she had to find a moment to breathe and let her darkness came out of her (a sigh, just a couple of minutes crying with her whole soul), and only in that way did she find a way to continue.

That was one of those moments. She had been in the dining room just minutes before, having dinner with her siblings, and then Ed had laughed at something Susan had said. The feeling of dizziness caused her knees to bend and she had to excuse herself (it didn't matter the look of dismay on their faces, Peter always worrying about the others, Susan wondering what was wrong enough for Lucy to be able to interrupt the dinner of that way, and Ed, noble and prudent, perhaps thinking that it would be best to leave her alone), and hurried to the gardens and then ended up holding a balcony whose view overlooked the sea. How implacable, how enormous the sea looked, and Lucy, whose dominions extended there, felt very small.

She couldn't be in love with her brother, _Aslan!_ How could he ever correspond his feelings? How could he, noble Edmund...? She rubbed her face with her hands. She could not think. How bad this was, how terrible...

"Lu, are you feeling well?" Edmund's voice pulled her out of her thoughts, and her heart sank. She didn't look him in the eye, believing that if she allowed him to look inside her, filth would scare him. Instead, she composed a soft smile, the same peaceful smile she had rehearsed before.

"I am perfectly, brother, you should not worry about me. What are you doing here anyway?"

Ed shrugged.

"I wanted to make sure everything was in order. Su and Pete are worried about you, and me too. "

Lucy looked away from the sea and sat on the bench, ignoring the pounding of her enraged heart. Her mind begged for her to get out of there, to invent any excuse to go to her rooms, but her body (and her soul, and everything she was in substance and matter) begged for more time, more closeness, a certain communion.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Ed. The only thing that keeps me restless these days is my next trip to the east, and that's it. You shouldn't worry so much about me. "

After all, she was Queen Lucy the Valiant.

That had to count somehow, right?

But Edmund took a seat next to her and took one of her hands in his, and forced her to look him in the eye and Lucy collapsed. His touch burned like pure fire, all her skin vibrated. And she was no longer a queen, but Lucy Pevensie, and Lucy Pevensie was deeply in love with her brother, and she could swear he saw that truth in her eyes, because he hesitated before speaking again.

"Lu? Is there anything you want to talk about? Su says you should know that we can listen to you. We are your family, after all. Is there anything that bothers you? "

She broke. It was the fact of hearing her name again, and she felt the envy to corrode her (because if Edmund had had a little of those profane feelings, surely they would not have been for Lucy, the wild Lucy who followed each of her hunches and could not staying still; it would have been for Susan, who was more rational and prudent, and much more beautiful, and therefore had more affinity for him), but it wasn't just that what Lucy envied. She envied that her sister had no wrong feelings (and although she knew that she should call them that, in her heart they felt true and somehow good and correct), her sister, Susan, was not in love with her brother; although Lucy didn't know that she ran into Peter's arms every night.

So she stood there, looking at him and feeling trembling, until Ed understood that if he said a word she would end up breaking, and just hugged her. Edmund didn't understand what was wrong with her; Lucy was his best friend, his favorite sister (although he could never say it in front of Susan, but it was known to everyone).

"Edmund," she sighed, her face buried in his neck. He thought she was trying to find his smell, and wondered if she knew she smelled of apples and pine trees, probably because she had spent the day in the forest again, and a bit of Narnia.

Something stung his heart when she separated again, and he noticed that Lucy was trying to compose herself. For a moment he was able to see through her, and the next moment Lucy was illegible, as if written in a language unknown to him. It was like losing her in the darkness, and he felt scared.

He didn't know where those new feelings came from, feelings that he didn't want to name (naming them would have meant not being able to hide them anymore). They had always been there, as natural as the Sun and the Moon, indisputable as the laws of life. Maybe she had noticed them in recent weeks, maybe that's was why she acted as she did. _She doesn't know how to tell me how terrible I am_, he thought, _how sick I am. She doesn't want to hurt me._

And yet he had seen it in her eyes, a moment before, or had he only seen what he wanted to see? He yearned for his sister, the overwhelming need to touch her, or to see her, to just hear her voice and... He needed Lucy to be his.

Edmund shivered and swallowed. He needed to control himself, he needed to be there for her. However, before he had to speak again, Lucy spoke softly, and perhaps it was because she could no longer bear, because the weight of her feelings was too dense on her shoulders, or perhaps because, somehow, she had already given up, and then said:

"Ed," she began, "have you ever felt that, while you are with a person, everything is fine, and the world makes sense and you have a certain path to travel, and the air is light, and spring seems to shine brighter than ever and you just… are happier than you could have imagined?"

She saw the sadness in his eyes, and felt her own heart shrink. She wanted to know who the lady he professed his love was, because after that look there was no doubt that he was in love... did she wanted to know? _Oh, Lucy_, she thought, _why do you hurt yourself that way?_

"I've felt it."

He stroked her cheek with the back of his hand, so soft it could have been a feather or the wind, almost trembling; but that heat was able to cloud her senses and make her speak.

"How do you manage to live, then? When your heart craves so much, when your soul already belongs, but you can't act, and you can't even name, how do you continue?"

Edmund looked at the night. The weather was perfect and the sound of the sea was calming, and the air smelled of forest and all the good things of autumn, but his heart found no peace, no calm nor joy.

"I wonder too, Lu."


End file.
